Recovering

Yesterday I totally stepped out of my comfort zone.

I went under the knife and had my wisdom teeth taken out. It was the scariest thing I've ever done- I hate not having control over myself and on the referral my dentist wrote to the oral surgeon he pretty much told them to knock my butt out bc I was so nervous!

I've never been admitted to the hospital, never had a broken bone, an IV or been knocked out. So yesterday was seriously one of the scariest days of my life. I will say now though, that it wasn't as terribly bad as I thought it would be. I was scared that I would be so sick to my stomach but I haven't been. I was also terrified of the IV placement. Poor girl that did it probably felt terrible. She knew how scared I was and she had to stick me twice :( she kept saying she was so sorry. It did hurt, but not for long.

Right as soon as they started to push the meds into my IV to knock me out, I felt like I was having a million heart palpitations- one right after the other. It was a terrible feeling. I did the little cough thing, like I couldn't catch my breath. I remember telling them over and over that something was wrong with my heart and they said they had me hooked up to a monitor and that my heart was beating normally and then BAM next thing I knew I was sitting beside someone else whose head was wrapped up in ice in a small recovery room. I was either really cold or the anesthesia was wearing off because i was shaking pretty bad.

I remember being wheeled out to my moms car but I dont remember the ride home. Mom, dad, dylan, and my grandmother who lives next-door have been taking care of me really well. Dylan brought me a chocolate shake that I scarfed down because I was so hungry. After that I had some pudding. Today I get to eat warmer foods which I'm excited about!

Except Dylan is on his way over again with another chocolate shake and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited about that too :)

Nothing New Here...

... just the same ol' procrastination routine ;)

I'm just not in the mood. It's hard to study because I kind of already know my fate for grad school. I'm planning on taking a year off next year. I already have emails ready to send to a few Speech Therapists in the area that might be looking for an assistant. I haven't sent them yet because I'm waiting until I receive the last two letters back (one from the U of A and one from Conway.)

To be honest, I'm really OK with this path. I think taking a year off and finding a place of my own, learning more about myself, and not worrying about studying sounds great. I can do that. I'm just anxious playing the waiting game... and also a little worried about finding a job.

I need to get something off of my chest tonight. Something that really stinking bothers me.

My friend, Mateya, touched on this topic a little bit today and I'd like to expand.

I get caught up reading different blogs and also things on Facebook. I feel jealous a lot of the time of things that people have that I don't. People always look like they lead the perfect life. They look like they never fight with their spouse. They look like they only buy the best things, they are a perfect child of God, they always wear the cutest clothes, etc. etc. etc.

Sometimes I leave my computer and I'm in a funk. How do I get the things those people have? How do I change my relationship with Dylan so that we never fight? I want to agree with him about everything. I want him to be perfect so that we are the perfect match. I want what those people look like they have.

I'm never going to have it. Those people are never going to have it. There is no such thing.

I have so much doubt in my relationship with Dylan sometimes (although he'd probably tell you most of the time...) and I think it is because I try so hard to make it perfect. We aren't perfect. I just need to get that out there.

I didn't "fall in love" with Dylan the first time I laid eyes on him.
Sometimes, when I'm mad at him (even for the stupidest reasons) I don't say "I love you" back after he says it.
Our first kiss wasn't perfect. It was far from perfect actually. And it was on the first date.
We've been dating for two years and I still don't know if we'll get married.
I'm not always attracted to him.
He didn't send me flowers on Valentines day. In fact, he was in Vegas (for work) and barely even spoke to me that day.
We don't communicate very well sometimes.
He "forgets" fights we've had before they are even over, and seriously thinks they'll disappear on their own. I want to strangle him for that.
We don't believe in the exact same things.
He's takes FOREVER (Don't you dare think I'm exaggerating) he takes FOR.EV.ER. to get ready/get things done. And I am the exact opposite.
He could sleep in till 11 every day and I like to be up kinda early. We fight almost every time he sleeps in.
He isn't perfect.
Neither am I.

I don't want Dylan and I to be portrayed as "The Perfect Couple" because we aren't. I wouldn't post every tiny fight we get into or disagreement we have on here or Facebook (although those points listed above are kind of close. don't judge. I'm trying to make a point here.) But I think it is important to keep it real. I think its important to remember that ALL couples disagree. They all argue. And the feelings I have for Dylan haven't fully developed to the point where I can love him unconditionally and that's ok. There's no rush.

These feelings I have are shocking to me because when I was a single girl, I had numerous people tell me "I just knew he/she was the one. I knew on the first date. I knew the first time I saw him/her." etc. People would tell me I'll just "know" and because of that... I feel like everything has to be perfect- we have to be the perfect match. No disagreements. Gotta believe the same exact things and so on. And it isn't true, people. When you think you've met someone worth spending time with... you've got to work through the differences that creep up on ya. You have to compromise. You have to learn how to communicate. And you have to accept them as the person they are because let's face it- somethings won't change.

Dylan and I are still working on most of these things. Most of the time, we are happy. And I do love him.

If you can't tell... I'm going through a bit of a funk at the moment. I'm not sure if it is completely the Dylan deal, or if its the uncertainty of my schooling/career/life... But I needed to get that off my chest. And I do feel a bit better now.

And bless your heart if you read all that.

So long, Monday.