On being a grown up…

When I was a little girl, I escaped my worries and my troubles by going outside, and swinging on our swing set. I would swing for for hours. Pretending the whole world was watching me, and singing my heart out. NOBODY could be outside while I was swinging. In fact, I remember countless times shouting for my parents to back inside from way out in our big back yard. Or demanding that my little cousins stay on the other side of the fence- in their yard. When I was done swinging, the world was in my hands. My worries were gone, and I was the happy little redheaded girl that my parents raised me to be.



We moved from the house I grew up in when I was almost 16 years old. We lived next door to my Aunt and Uncle, and also my grandparents. We grew up in those houses and in those back yards. Each season was special, and I remember some of those memories so vividly.

Last month my Aunt and Uncle moved to Dallas. After a few coats of paint, Dylan is moving into their old house. The house thats next to my old house. The house that is also right next door to my grandparents old house, where my grandpa no longer lives since Mema passed away in 2006. I went over there with Dylan last week to look around. I couldn't help but stand in the back yard and stare at the space where my childhood took place. It still smells the same.

Since then, I've had awful feelings. And maybe it is the season of life I'm in. I've never ever been good at transitioning (when we moved when I was 16 I thought that was the hardest time I would ever have in my whole life.) I think I was wrong. Right now I'm living at home, jobless, with a college degree. I'm 23 years old (almost 24) and I'm SCARED TO GROW UP. Is that dumb?! I'm so scared. I'm scared to get a job, to move out, to be a real adult. And since going back to the place I grew up and spending so much time there lately, its just made everything so much harder.

I want that back yard back. I want to run barefoot with my little sister and all of my cousins from house to house.

I want my old pink bedroom back. I want to hunt Easter eggs in the spring.




I want the snowy winters back where we built snowmen in the yard.




I want to hang Christmas lights on the house with Dad.

I want Mema back. I want that swing set back. And I WANT that feeling back when I jump off that swing and everything is right in my world.

I was on my way to Dylan's house last night to help him pack, and then go over to the "rent house" to do some more painting. I was driving past my old Elementary school on the way when I spontaneously decided to pull in and take a swing on the swing set that I always did a mad dash at when we were let out for recess.

It felt good- the wind in my hair. Being back in a familiar place when everything else in my life is changing. But my legs were squished together, and sticking to the rubber on the swing. I tried to adjust, get comfortable, and just SWING like I used to. But it didn't help… I didn't fit there anymore.

Heres to a new season of life.