A Tiny Bit of High Anxiety

Keepin' it real here.

I'm worried. But if you ask my mom, dad, sister, Dylan, or any aunt/uncle/cousin/grandparent or friend, they'd tell you this is normal for me.

I HATE that this is considered normal for me. And mostly when I express my worrisome thoughts, people will say "Just don't worry about it." And I HATE when people tell me not to worry. I even told Dylan tonight, "when you tell me not to worry I worry about why you told me not to worry." Its such a vicious cycle with me.

We had a small talk tonight, that involved tears on my part. See, I graduated college a month ago. And since then, I've done ABSOLUTELY.NOTHING. And while I thought I'd feel relaxed and great about that, I was wrong. In fact, I only felt relaxed and great about it until about 3pm on the first day that I sat at home, alone, and did nothing. I COULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT PAST 3PM ON THE FIRST DAY!

Dylan and my family have been teasing me- and I've been making a little fun out of it too-about being jobless and having "too much time on my hands." And when Dylan and I sat down to talk tonight, I started off with "You know how we've all been joking about me not having a job…" and he finished with, "it really hurts, doesn't it?" Read.my.mind.

He was right. He knows exactly how I feel. He knew exactly what I was going to say. It does hurt- no, my family isn't hurting my feelings- it hurts to not have a plan. It hurts to sit at home and only get excited over if Kathy Lee and Hoda like the daily cocktail. I can recite every commercial, word for word, surrounding the Today Show. On a positive note, my room is always clean:)

I'm just lost still. I need to find out what to do with the rest of my life, but every time I think about it I have crazy anxiety. I can't afford to make another bad decision.